I sincerely apologize if this post hurts anyone - I realize that a lot of people who know me in real-life read this blog. But please understand this is something I had to do to personally feel better, and that I in no way wrote this to be spiteful or persuade that anyone involved in this situation is right or wrong.
Nowadays it seems as if most things in my life are not official until I blog about them. Whether that is sad or not I have no idea; it’s just how I feel.
This week my boyfriend broke up with me. In the days that have passed from then to now, I’ve had a multitude of ups and downs. But today I’ve finally, officially, gotten over him. The way I did this seems simple, but took awhile for me to figure out.
In the case of this relationship and breakup, I realized I felt hurt because I was still thinking about him as the boyfriend I convinced myself he was (I’ll refer to him as Imaginary Michael here). But when I reminded myself that I was broken up with Real-Life Michael, and not Imaginary Michael, I didn’t really feel hurt anymore.
Imaginary Michael wanted to keep our relationship going through the 12-30 weeks we’d spend apart because he saw a possible future for our relationship, and didn’t want to end it just because we’d temporarily be long-distance. Real-Life Michael planned on us breaking up before I graduated this year - or, if he studied abroad, before he went away next semester.
Imaginary Michael was dating me because he thought I was special, cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me. Real-Life Michael told me that he didn’t miss me during any of the 12 weeks we spent apart. Real-Life Michael said he realized that if he lost me he wouldn’t miss me, and that’s why he wanted to break up.
Imaginary Michael was mature, but Real-Life Michael is still only partially mature. But that’s not really a fault of his; it was my fault for not realizing it sooner. Real-Life Michael only confronted many of his own feelings when I pretty much forced him to in our final conversation.
I’m at a point in my life where, if a relationship becomes serious, I have real expectations. I have serious goals for my future and don’t really want to deal with someone who’s not ready to be serious with me. Which is why I’ve decided to not expect on getting into any more real relationships until after I graduate this year and move on to my next destination (I’m still deciding between LA and Taiwan). I realized that the chances of finding someone in college - at a university that often makes it to #1 on the “Top 10 Party Schools” list - who is willing to commit to me are slim.
But of course I’ll still be open to going on dates with new people. And who knows, maybe I’ll be proved wrong in my expectations and find my soulmate, haha~
To Be Surprised by Sondre Lerche
I’m not gonna lie
Saying everyone’s gonna be alright
And fine until we die
But what else can you do
But hope and pray and save
And we’ll get by